A summary, and a decision i've made! [Ready to read a long blog?]

Math exam obviously failed..

I've actually never felt this shitty before. I've had my friends supporting and studying with me yet..
As soon as i saw the exam, i knew i wasn't going to make it, i also realised how only 10% of the vectors came, although 50% of the list of what we should learn were about the vectors, and it was something new we learned too, soni studied pretty much all of it..
..For nothing.

The whole exam was about Functions and Equations, on top of that a long function task which gave 10+ points of 48, it was about how to calculate °F into °C with a function, yet i never knew how to calculate that, i never knew how many °F = 1°C, since we obviously don't use that measuring in europe >.<' (And i never bothered looking at that to be honest)
.. and we needed around 26+ points to be positive... suck on that

So yea, im pretty much asured that this is yet another F (5 in austrian marks), and if the next one is too, i believe i can say bye bye to my school and start working as a damn cleaning personal because i probably won't get any proper job here in austria...

..And honestly, i don't want to be in the 5th grade being 18~19 years old when the students in there are 14~16 ... it's just embarrasing..
At my age i should already be doing my A-levels, but austria and it's damn scholar system just sucks lol.. you have to redo the whole year if you have a F at the end of a year, no matter if it's a main subject or not... it's ridiculous..

I'm ashamed of myself, as soon as i handed in my exam i suddenly felt like my dreams were about crush and break into pieces.
Unwilling i started to cry like a little child that lost it's precious toy... a toy which it holds on to just to smile.
I kinda lost my will to study, it seems no matter how much i try to improve, i just can't seem to get any further.

A friend of mine made a ironical joke by saying "You can't do me but you give up on that?". At this moment i realised what is really important to me. It's not being good in school, it's not succeeding school.
He said it once, and i realise it myself now :
I have tried too hard becomming a person which is not even me, and forgot who i am.

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So what do i want?
When i was younger, actually when i first played a RPG i thought "Hey, i want to make my OWN rpg! I want to make the best there is and be the best character designer aswell!" That's how i actually started drawing, writing stories, aswell as researching and analysing other games.. back then, i was 12.

I'll do things on my own now, if i pass this year or not, i will NOT let this crush my dreams and hobbies. I WON'T let it crush the person who i really am, no matter if i'm called a nerd or geek. I have my friends by my side, they believe in me, as much as i believe in them (And that's why my header has this awesome quote from Kamina)

I'll start designing and drawing various stuff once i have my digi-drawing tablet. When this year is over i'll try and "study" how to use Blender, as well as how to programm stuff in a game.

I know this is crazy, i know i won't be able to do it in a year or two, i might need 3 or 4 years to finally get to it, but i SHALL and WILL succeed.


"It doesn't matter how many times you fall, it matters how many times you try and stand up again. It only truly matters how hard you work on something, because THAT is truly rewarding"

I fell so many times in my life, i fell hard and stood up, if i give up now, that all was invain...

I chose a path, and now, i will move on, without any regrets.

".. And there was nothing to regret.
Nothing.. "

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Why did i write this blog? Simply because it makes me feel better, and simply because i know no1 gives a damn. And if, i don't want pity, i want to show people how i fight, so they can fight in their lives aswell ^^

Good and bad news

Let's start with the bad news xD

Math failed, as expected....
But it barely was my fault to be honest /: Our teacher gave us a list of what SHOULD come in the exam, but actually, only 20% of the whole exam had the tasks that was written in the list.
I studied vectors like hell, functions too... but then what came? Facking none of it -.-

Good news!
My drawing tablet should arrive at around 6th~9th of april *excited!*
My issues concerining my best friend and me are finally over and solved, everything is blooming again *yay*
Aaand.. he made me play Fiesta Online again D8 (oh boy, this is the 3rd time i quited and returned to the game xD) Well, i'm not complaining, i'm kinda getting used to it again xD (made 2 lvls in one day.. at lvl 51 to 53... in less than 5 hours... what a nerd i am xDDD )

All in all, yes im sad because of my exam, but i won't give up, keeping my head up high for those who believe in me ^^

Now to some other things... ANIME!

I found a new anime today it's called Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magica
I can't find the episodes of it sadly, i found one but the next parts just confused me D8, so i'd be glad if anyone could tell me where to find it xD

i'm pretty much confused which episode this is... i think it's the 9th D8

My head, my friendship.. what do i do wrong?

I skipped school today, i wanted to revise the whole day for my math exam which is tomorrow..

Lately i'm just having argues with my best friend, i know, i know i complain a lot, but then he shouldn't just end it all with a last sentence and go off. It hurts damn much...

Maybe it's because i'm afraid that i won't get to talk to him? And maybe it's his stress from the a-levels aswell?
Whatever it is, it doesn't do us good. And yea, i DO realise it's me most of the time that is damn complaining but hey, i feel terrible not saying what's in my mind, he should be knowing by now :c

/endless rant

So, i'm just clueless..
Sure, we're okey the very next moment but i have these holes in my heart that make me afraid of telling/asking him anything because i'm afraid it might get him off mood more or something..
Our friendship is held together by a thread, and i feel something is trying to cut that thread..

*sob* what am i doing wrong? Maybe i should just stop my worries? But then again, should i just stand there and do nothing?


Argh, im just such a drama-girl. Why cn't he just take my hand, hug me tight and smile? It's all i want, really.
As long as he's okey, i am aswell. But if he's down, i'm just broken because i know i might fail to fix him.


I need some advice...

Forgotten.. but now shining!

Crazy, random, happy gamer with the dream of becomming a game and character designer myself.
I remember when i did a lots of designs, monsters and such...
I forgot that person, yet she was me.. The real me.

I tried to make my friend proud, i was so obsessed with the thought, i didn't even realise it myself.
Wanting to have hobbies like him and such, yet getting depressed when i realised i have no talents for them D:

I'll be spending a lot more time on drawing from now on, but this time, drawing what i WANT, what i desire, what i love.. my dreams. Maybe i give up on guitar, i have no money to waste.. i want a damn digital drawing-tablet and start drawing for real!!

My friend made me see myself again, simply by telling me that he wants to make game characters and such. I forgot, that this was the very reason why i liked him from the very beginning anyways. Strange how it is him, who closes my eyes, yet opens them for me again, and makes me a lot more proud of myself...

I started right away, a quicky picture, but im kinda likin it, because i could never draw so quick lol.

It's obviously a design for a lancer. Yea, it's a bit crappy, but hey, made in 8 mins (while spending only 3 mins on the whole thing itself! the rest 5 mins were just uh, correcting stuff, the anatomy a bit x'D..)
link to bigger view: http://img192.imageshack.us/img192/5180/foto0051a.jpg

What do you think? it's just a "overview" not the real thing. i plan on making various and detailed once i get the hand of drawing armors again xDD
I know i suck in drawing hands in the correct size, it's probably because i have tiny hands that i draw everything with small hands myself. i pretty much relate my drawings to my own body D8

bla bla enough of my own personality 'n' sh*t xD

thanks for reading x3

Art-trade, studying and sh*t ... =.='

Sunny day, boring as hell, waiting for a dear friend to give me a sign he's alive lol...

I have a art-trade, problem is, i can't draw kids.. and worst of all i can't draw BOYS, they all look like freakin girls =.='
So yea, i've scribbled, scribbled and scribbled my ass off, and still can't get the boy look like a boy, lol >.>'
I'm freakin clueless what to do, and i don't really feel like drawing :/ Although i have a HUGE list of drawings that need to be done :/
Maybe i should just give up... Art doesn't seem to fill me with joy anymore, it just stresses me out.

I wanna do something much more sense making, like psycology o.O At least i do something that makes me feel like the savior of the day for 10 minutes :'D
Doing arts i'm just like "I hate you, you look awful, i'm gonna torn you apart you piece of %@&§!.." So yea, i'm really starting to give up on any hobby i have so far. My motivation is absolute ZERO and i'm depressed >.<

Maybe i'm just having too high hopes on myself? Perhaps..
Or.. maybe i just want someone to notice what i do... but he never does... YEP! That's definately it! I'm trying to get some pride from him but i don't get it = I am NOT amused...
On top of that he's pretty much absent when i feel like talkin' to him. And if he is, i barely get a chance to say what i want. Or probably because i know he's just gonna say "oki o.O" but doesn't look at it TT___TT *whimmer*

/rant+drama end

Now to the happier stuff. Last night i looked through some good and funny videos to make my day's last laughs to brighten up a bit after all the day's stress.

this one is beyond funny, i still laugh my ass off every time i see this, it's HILLARIOUS!! x3

I watched this again last night, i first saw it last summer. It's pretty funny aswell x3

I looove this commerical, i accidently found it when i misclicked it on my dad's netbook, which is in arabic (Yes, my dad's a egyptian, im a total mixrace: 25%arabic, 25%asian (< from my dad's side) , 25%scandinavian, 25% western-european (< from my mom's side) D8)

Well i hope things get better tomorrow, or by the evening. I probably just need a good chat again xD i'm such a chatty person, really xDD

Thanks for reading my "novel" ^^ Hope those vids were funny :3

First Blog, and many will follow!

Okey, i thought of making a Blogger-site, since many complain that i write too much crap in my facebook status'.
Well, who cares anyways?

Enough of that.

I'm litterarely bored to death.
Playing/Practicing piano doesn't seem to improve at all at the moment.
I tried following tutorials, but they don't seem to work, lol D:

 got this one thanks to my friend, let's say i know the intro on my right hand, left hand sucks...

 trying this one since 2 years, i know how to play the right hand until the chorus, it's too fast for my nerves to handle... and left hand, i'll probably never learn it.

  Sounds silly, i know. But nevertheless, i try to master this one... since i want to learn how to use both hands....

What about watching anime? Well i started to watch T.T.Gurren Legann... came to episode 5 and stoped, lol, just like last year, skiping the middle is probably my hobby when watching anime, i swear it's a damn habbit of mine..!!

School? I got freaking exams comming up, studying/revising 0% TT___TT Sometimes i wish my best friend would just move his ass on the cam and make me study. So far, he's the only one that CAN.. I'm just like a slave if he tells/orders me to do something, i'm totally defenceless against him and i freaking dunno why, heh... Q___Q'
*Imaginary collar around her neck*
Well maybe another friend could too, she creeps the hell outta me with her "I'm not amused"-look o.O

Last but not least: SINGING!
Practicing and panting+coughing like a b*tch.. But it won't do me sh*t with my crappy Vista-Laptop which is mega OLD (havin' it since 2007) So my recordings sound so crappy ): I want a mac laptop,lol D:
Anyways, enough of rant. This is what i'm trying to cover:

And

Ok, rant about this one... Japanese singers should DEFINATELY NOT sing LATIN songs if they put their stupid "desu" in it... it really bothers me, because Latin is a ancient language that shouldn't be spoken with a facking japanese accent and those stupid "desu" in it D: IT'S "DEUS" not "DEU-SU", it's "JUDICANDUS" not "JUDICANDU-SU" D:

/end

Thanks for reading, hope you're still alive after reading this "novel" (Why do i say novel? My dear Jipa-kun always calls every single message or text that's longer than 10 sentences a novel...What a nice friend you are Q_Q)